please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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