So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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