True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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