Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
