So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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