My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
