She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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