Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
