Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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