I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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