Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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