there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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