broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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