Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So squirting runs in the family.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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