oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
