i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
