chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
