Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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