Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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