dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
