I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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