2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
