You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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