I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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