I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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