with your own penis?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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