If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
