Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
