chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
