Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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