im six kinds of drunk right now
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
