i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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