Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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