My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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