I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
