This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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