So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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