Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
