omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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