is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
