filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
