not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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