as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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