why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
