People with herpes should wear stickers.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
