I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
