I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
