Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??