Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
