I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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