Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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