the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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