there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Sober January is a disaster.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
