I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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