Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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