next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
