He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
