I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I wear drunk well.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
