I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
