The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
